Can you believe that it's been almost a year since I have blogged? I can't I guess I just haven't felt like blogging in a while. Busy doing other things; working, eating, sleeping... I have so much to catch up on! So many things have happened! Or have they?

Ode to Kitty

Kitty didn't show up in the evening to come inside. That happens every once in a while. She's an outdoor cat during the day and sometimes she gets a little distracted and doesn't show up until after everyone has gone to bed, but not often. The next morning I expected her to be hungry by the front door demanding to be let inside. She wasn't. I searched the neighborhood. She never goes more than a 2 block radius of home, but I couldn't find her, couldn't hear her anywhere. I walked the neighborhood the next day as well, knocked on doors, talked to people. No luck. I had the neighbors open up their back sheds to look, just in case she was trapped back there. After 3 days I called the pound, at days 5 and 9 I went there to see if she was picked up. Nope.

I was sure she was dead, I looked in all the ditches, assuming she was hit by a car.
At day 13 she was on the doorstep! Weakly meowing to come in, hungry, thin, dirty, and limping. I was so excited to see her! I let her in and got her some food right away. That's when I saw her leg and my heart sank. Mangled, with a large open wound, and exposed, obviously broken bones, shattered beyond repair.



Kitty ate some food, looked at me, and hopped to the farthest spot in the closet (she never goes there) to lay down. She was shaking with weakness. Poor thing. I finished getting ready for work and took her to the vet. They cleaned it, debrided it, trimmed the bone back, and wrapped it. She looked so funny with this giant cast-like bandage on her back leg. I picked her up from the vet feeling confident that things would work out. I took her back every 3 days x 3 and the third time they showed me how to do the dressing changes. It didn't look too hard, but it was definitely a 2 person job.



It was my turn to change the dressing on her back leg at home. She was not happy with me already because I was finally able to get her to swallow a pain pill (no easy task), but when I was able to get the dressing off, the foot looked and smelled terrible. The foot was swollen, obviously suffering from compartment syndrome and some gangrene. The smell made my teammate in this feat nauseated and we had to take a break and wait for backup. When backup arrived, we attempted redressing this wound. This was truly traumatizing to all of us, including kitty. It was so painful that we could not contain her, even with a pain pill on board. We worked with her for 2 hours, unable to redress this incredibly painful wound. It made me cry, inflicting such pain on such an innocent animal. It was a truly terrible experience. We weren't successful and placed her in her kennel for the night. Poor thing, she hated me after that evening. Her eyes were so wide with fear, I couldn't bear it.

I took her to a different, more experienced vet the next morning. He took a look at her leg and recommended amputation. Following the course of treatment that she was currently on likely was going to include many complications including osteomyelitis (infection of the bone). The cost of amputation would be $870! On top of the $300 I already spent on her, that would make her > $1000 cat! If I went through with this amputation, barring complication, she would have decreased running speed, decreased ability to climb trees, and couldn't defend herself as well. I would feel uncomfortable leaving her outside to fend in this neighborhood, and she would absolutely hate living indoors all the time.

What a terrible decision to make. I put her down this friday morning around 10am. Its silly how much one can get attached to a cat. She wasn't a cuddly in-your-face cat, she held her own most of the time. But when I was feeling down she always seemed to know and would push her way into my lap for those special occasions. I miss Kitty

sleepage

I am thoughtful tonight, about more things that I could ever dream of putting into words.
I think the reality is that I don't want to sleep. Why? Not that I'm having bad dreams. I sleep well.
I don't know what it is
This morning I woke up after only 5 or 6 hours of sleep. ON A SUNDAY! whoa. What is happening! I was planning on sleeping till noon! So, adulthood arrives. Bummer.
Anyway, as I'm moving into another work week, I'd better hunker down and try some force sleepage.
~night

RXP

Today I bought a jetski.
It is sooo amazing! Much better than I imagined it to be! I truly am in love with this machine (ridiculous I know).
It's a 2005 Seadoo RXP supercharged two seater. It zooms up to 70 mph, navigates turns with ease, and can literally hop out of the water. It has so much power it makes me giddy (and I'm still giddy). I only had to ride it for 1.5 minutes to know that I wanted it.
A guy named Dave it selling it to me. He posted it on Craig's list just yesterday, I called him this morning, and we shook hands tonight. The trouble is, Dave doesn't have the title just yet, and it should be in this week. That's good, because I can't get a hitch on my car until this week, but also little stressful because we have to trust each other that we are true to our word. He still has the jet ski and I'm hoping he doesn't sell it to someone else. I still have money, and the only thing we exchanged was name and number. So now the wait begins. Delayed gratification I have never been good at. Even shopping online is difficult for me just because it takes so long to actually get your product.
Oh how I love you my new personal watercraft.
I'll likely be dreaming of jet skiing tonight.

My Parents 50th

These are my lovely parents who have spent 50 years of their life committed to each other in marriage. Can you believe it? 50 years! Congrats to my parents. Date of wedding: June 4, 1961

plug

I'm up late tonight.
Feeling thoughtful perhaps.
Not looking forward to a weekend of work.
Need some spark in my life.

drug addict

It's a nice sunday evening. I really should be cleaning my house. My roommate has been gone for the last 10 days, getting back tomorrow, I should at least make it presentable. (aren't I nice?) But I feel thoughtful and reminiscent, feel more like writing than cleaning. So, first, before anything else I want to make a list of the things I will do tonight before I go to bed.
1. Dishes
2. Vacuum
3. Finish my laundry (thankfully this one is already in process)
4. Quick touch-up on the shower
5. Shake the rug
6. Sweep out my room
7. Make my bed - just kidding, I would only unmake it shortly thereafter
8. clean the bathroom mirror
9. Sort my stack of mail
10. ...random other cleaning activities...

Now that I feel somewhat productive just by writing this list down, on to more fun topics.

Today I rode horses. I love horses. I rode the most beautiful buckskin mare today with a multicolored mane. The kind of hair that ladies (or guys) would spend a lot of money to have. Blonde, intermixed with some brown and a lot of black, all in layers. I was surprised at the good ride this horse was. She was a bear to catch. We ended up having to herd her with 3 other horses into a round pen, sort out the others, and make her run until she would let us catch her. The story is that she had been trained by a proper trainer for a total of 90 days sometime in the last 8 months or so, but this was hard to imagine with her elusive and skittish behavior. We finally caught her, but she was scared of the saddle! Anyway, my friend rode her yesterday and she did ok, then I rode her today, taking her way out in the pasture and she did great! Stops when told, very patient, calm. She rides a little heavy on the front, but seemed to loosen up toward the end of the ride. All in all, great ride. It was a rejuvenating ride. The thought came into my head to offer to buy this horse. I've been contemplating this all day. But really, there should be some way to offer my services to continue training this horse. Perhaps they would pay me? This sounds like a much better idea. In any case, I need a horse that I can ride whenever I want to. Borrowing other people's horses is just not cutting it for me. It stifles me.
Riding horses gives me what I would consider a fix. Like drugs. I need it, crave it, and it makes me feel so good. If only I could take this drug whenever I pleased...

joy

Such a beautiful night. At 11:11pm it is 68 degrees outside, slight breeze, cool, quiet. I'm in love with life today. Sunshine on my skin, wind in my hair. Its a great day and it's only thursday!
Here are a few other things that I really enjoy about this week
1. Getting off early from work
2. Thai food
3. Friends with jet ski's
4. Meeting new people
5. Catching up with old friends
6. Feeling connected to the friends I have now
7. my new sleep cycle alarm clock app on my phone where I can track how I sleep at night (I love this program!)
8. Feeling rejuvenated in my walk with God
9. The weather
10. Etc...
Am thinking of a few options for weekend plans. I really would like to do them all. Boating and lake activities with Jessi and Tyler, camp with a group of young people who I want to get to know better, visit the lifestyle center (Jill), horse shop and ride. I just don't quite know how to fit them all in. I also want to go to Union's alumni weekend which is happening starting tonight. I technically could if I left directly after work tomorrow, get into Lincoln before midnight on friday night, then leave before noon on Sunday. This is also a viable option. Though, I really should be packed at this moment to save some time...

MacBook Pro

I bought a new computer.
I probably could have bought a $200 computer and it would have been amazing in comparison to my 15-min-to-start-up computer that I have had for the past 6 years. The one that randomly shuts off, and frequently looses it's internet connection, yeah, that one. I have had a dislike for my now-retired computer for quite a while, but I didn't realize how strong my feelings were until this evening when I opened my new macbook pro and it was on in 2 seconds! Just there, waiting for me to tell it what to do! I became so excited that I couldn't contain myself and had to express all my joys to those surrounding me (who gawked at my excitement). I am thrilled with my new purchase. It types well, has all kinds of fun features, looks good, is fast, and generally makes my heart happy.

What also makes my heart happy is the amazing week that I have had. This week my boss has been out of town. When he is gone I don't work in the hospital and therefore have had full clinic days. This is the kind of clinic that starts at 9 and is done, generally, by 5! No pager, no hospital rounds, no midnight calls, no late nights, no early mornings. It was like a vacation! I could enjoy the evening and I felt like I had so much time. I bought my computer last night, and I had a day off today. I can hardly contain the happiness that my heart feels to sleep all the way through a night with no calls about patients, no pager going off informing me of critical labwork, or Mrs. Smith who is constipated and needs a laxative.

:)


It's Sabbath now, peaceful, rejuvenating, restful. Could I ask for more?

quotes for tonight

If you want to be happy, be.
Leo Tolstoy

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.
Ayn Rand

The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
Voltaire

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
Plato

Reality is negotiable.
Tim Ferriss

Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about.
Author Unknown

Sigh

Sigh of relief. Tomorrow after work I am done until next year.
Tonight I went to the Dallas Symphony Orchestra Christmas program, compliments of my boss! It was fabulous! There is no way I can put it into words, it was that marvelous. In addition to the orchestra, there was a large >100 person choir, and also a children's choir which had the most amazing soprano male voice that i have ever heard. It was truly amazing and so refreshing. Recently I feel like all I have done is work. work work work.
Random comment: ate a whole package of Tofu tonight. You can't let something like that go bad :) And I am leaving tomorrow (er, today I guess). Which reminds me, I still need to pack.
Merry Christmas to all

Ode to Radar

One of my roommates left for a camping trip on thursday.
Thursday night someone stopped by to pick up the two remaining puppies that she was giving away, except one of them was sick. He was hiding in the corner of the yard puking his poor little guts out. Needless to say, he didn't want to take a sick puppy, so he took the healthy one and left. The puppy (Radar) looked so sick and sad. "It's not my dog" I thought to myself, as I went to sleep that night. The next morning I happy to see that the puppy was still alive! He looked a little better as I left for work. Friday afternoon when I got off I came home to re-evaluate him.

He was awful.

I tried to to get him to drink some fluids, he refused. So I got a syringe and mixed up some carnation instant breakfast and fed him about 12cc. Apparently that was a mistake because 5 minutes later he puked it all up and was so exhausted that he just laid right down in it. I washed him off and brought him inside. I listened to his heart and lungs. His poor belly was tender, he was obviously dehydrated, and he had a fever.

What do I do? It's not my dog, it's not my responsibility, but if I don't do anything, no one else would. (Reminds me of my bathtub situation)
What if he dies and I could have helped him? So, I took him to the vet. Here they confirmed fever, found a GI bleed, and diagnosed Parvovirus. :( The vet gave him a shot for abdominal cramping, medication for nausea, antiviral, antibiotics for likely secondary infection, and a nutritional supplement/paste for glucose and electrolytes. I asked for a bag of IV fluids that I could run at home (being a PA), but apparently that is a no-no. He had a 50/50 chance of survival.

When we returned from the vet Radar felt so much better! Belly pain relieved, he drank so much, but 20 minutes later he looked surprised as it all came right back up. After that liquids were rationed to him, but even with nausea medication he continued to throw up. I tried to keep that paste down him. I was giving it every 2 hours to keep his blood sugar up, but he kept throwing it up. He was miserable.

I kept him by my bed in a big tub that night. He was quite restless and would moan a lot. He threw up 4 times and had a spell of awful smelling diarrhea. I didn't sleep much and was reminded of my CNA days. He took a significant turn for the worse around 6am groaning with every breath, abdominal cramping (from what I could tell) and increased lethargy. He was in pain. It was Sabbath morning and I was supposed to lead song service for church, so I stuck Radar in the car, sang, and then promptly took him back over to the vet seeking pain control.
Even if he was actively dying, he didn't have to be in pain. The re-evaluated him and told me they would set an IV and let me have IV fluids for home use, I was a PA after all.

After they got the IV in place, the vet's husband, also a vet, introduced himself and brought me to the back where Radar was. He was receiving fluids and looking comfortable when all of a sudden his legs drew up, he let out a horrible noise, had a seizure and stopped breathing. His heart had also stopped. In no time Radar was intubated and being bagged with pure oxygen. Epinephrine was given and his heart started beating slowly and in a few minutes was once again pounding. He started breathing on his own and was extubated.

It all happened so quickly! I was assisting, thinking ahead of what else we might do to help him. It wasn't until he was comfortable in a little bed with a heating pad, hot water bottle, and IV fluids, when I left to return back to church that I thought to myself "Wait a minute! What am I doing?! This is not even my dog!" I never thought I would be one to take my dog to the vet and rack up hundreds of dollars in bills. We intubated a dog! Gave him life support! CPR! If he survives, what then? Would I save his life just to take him to the pound? It was then I realized that if Radar made it, I would have to keep him. I really had no other choice.

Radar, fortunately and unfortunately, did not make it. He passed away Sat night. Thankfully he is no longer suffering. I cried. I felt ridiculous for crying about a puppy that wasn't mine and that was going to be given away, but I couldn't help it. He was just so helpless. Sigh. Here is a picture of the late Radar. Poor guy.

Quarters

How can a shower/bathtub become so dirty?
A place with soap, lot of water, a place one comes out so clean. How can it be a place that is not vibrant and sparkling?
I have been waiting to see if my roommates will clean the shower. There is three of us here, you would think that one of us would do it. I have been holding out for so long just hoping that someone else might become inspired. Nope. It's me. Tonight I attacked it, but only with a little force. In fact, I only cleaned 1/4 of it, but now you can really tell how dirty it actually was. Tomorrow perhaps another quarter.
And so are the events of my life.

Life Love and Lincoln

I feel good
God is so good to me
I have so much to be thankful for

I don't think I have mentioned lately how grateful I am for good friends, great family, and the life that I have now.
I just got back from a whole weekend devoted to my 2 great friends Anita and Sally. It was wonderful. We laughed, we cried, we bonded. The interesting thing is that when I try to explain to someone else what we did this weekend that was so fun, I am somewhat at a loss as to what to say. It seems like we did almost nothing. It was a packed weekend full of... hanging out :)
Also it was really nice to be in Lincoln. Each time I come back I drag my feet when I leave. I love Lincoln. I will be back.

The Oven

I've realized recently that I like baking. In the past month I have baked more than I have my whole life. Different kinds of breads, made-from-scratch cakes, vegan baking, cookies. I have never thought of myself as a baker. That's so, you know, Suzy homemaker-ish. But, alas, I like it. The other day I made what was supposed to be pumpkin bread, that turned out to be sweet potato bread for lack of proper ingredients. It was pretty tasty! I was pretty impressed with myself! Tonight's adventure was zucchini bread. Not quite as good, but not bad with a little margarine on it. It's almost like creating. Wait! It is creating! You can mix things that are gross on their own (have you ever eaten raw eggs? Or flour?) and end up with something that tastes so good!
Perhaps I like just being in the kitchen because the oven is warm, and the rest of the house is so chilly. Maybe its just a phase. Either way, I like it.

ravage of a spirit

Listening to pandora tonight, one song caught my attention and I've been listening to it ever since. The tune is mournful, I love it. I feel like my emotion is expressed through just listening to it. It touches my soul, allows me to reflect. I haven't taken the time to do this in such a long time. It's good, open, yearning, searching, almost freeing. How can music do this?

Goodday

I went horseback riding today.
So Nice.
It was fun and just really great to be on a horse. The weather was perfect - short sleeves - and the horses were fun, energetic, and I love the smell. (kind of weird, I know) It was so relaxing and refreshing to be out there.
Then I went to choir practice where we are all practicing for the Christmas program coming up quickly. I haven't sung in a choir in a while and it is great to feel part of a team working together for a goal.
Refreshing.
Tonight I also went to a bonfire out at a friends house where I roasted marshmallows, played guitar, and sang. So nice. It's been a good day. Nice, considering that I've had an awful week. So, I'm winding down the evening sipping on some sleepy time tea with my feet up in my favorite chair with Kitty sleeping on my lap, campfire smell lingering on my clothes. Could it get any better? I'm sure it could, but I'm going to pretend that it couldn't.

anger

Had a long day at work today.
Lots of patients with lots of problems.
Someone swore at me.
He was angry at the world.
Really now.
I actually got mad.
I'm a little bit embarrassed that I allowed someones harsh words to cause me anger.
Granted it was brief... but still.

fall

leaves
sunshine
breeze
cool nights
I like it

ketchup

I kinda forgot that I have a blog.
Kind of embarrassing... but true
life is busy
I'm engaged!
I should show you pictures! It's so amazing!
I love Greg Okimi :)
Have a job that makes me work a lot
but I like it (not the working a lot, but the job)
Just got over the flu.
that was yuck
Headed to canada soon for paddling,
but more importantly for the man I love
Need to head to bed now
how time flies
Miss Nebraska,
was there for the weekend (
most of it was spent over a toilet)
Saw friends
Smelt Nebraska
it smells good
Perhaps more soon, but no guarantees